An orgy at the opera

I think I am getting into this opera thing. Following my last visit to the ENO (English National Opera), I last night upped my game and went to the Royal Opera House to see Verdi’s Rigoletto. However, having forgotten I was going, I decided to wing it and figure out what the damn thing was about alone, despite having about a 15% view of the stage from my seat up in the ceiling, left. Well, you get what you pay for. Thus, without further ado, let us relive my experience of Verdi’ masterpiece:

Don't forget your binoculours

Picture the scene. Stage lights GO. Cue an orgy in a court with everyone dressed in pantaloons. Oh my God, gay, straight, lesbians – they’re all at it, 17th century style. And the pantaloons….

Isn’t opera supposed to be classy? The women all have their boobs out and now we see a bare man’s bum. Oh my God, I’m sat next to my mum. I cover her eyes while I grab my opera glasses. Peachy. Is he going to roll over? Yes, but in my blind spot, damnit.

A hunchback and the court jester, Rigoletto enters.

Rigoletto: OMG, this is disgustingo!! Put it away, you filthragging mongrels! Especially you, Duke, with that! It’s nothing worth waving about. You are all mean to me, PS. No-one respect Rigoletto. Maybe because he refers to himself in the third person all the time? I dunno. Poor Rigoletto.

Duke: Eff you, Rigoletto, spoiling our orgy good times! I CURSE THEE (points something at him. Wand, or the other thing? I can’t see. I hate these seats)

RIGOLETTO RUSHES HOME TO SEE HIS DAUGHTER, DAUGHTER (THIS SEEMS TO BE HER NAME)

Rigoletto: Daughter! Rigoletto love you so, so much. You are the only thing worth living for. It’s a bit pervy, actually. NEVER LEAVE THIS HOUSE, DAUGHTER.

Daughter: Father, what is this shizzle? Tell me your name, or at least my own name?

Rigoletto: (weeping) DENY

NIGHTFALL. RIGOLETTO HAS GONE FOR A FAG OR SOMETHING. A KNOCK AT THE WINDOW.

Duke: Daughter, it is I, a poor student (but really the Duke)! I love you, man

Daughter: I love you also, my God, it burns. I am so innocent in my white dress. TAKE ME

Duke: I love thee TOO much to deflower thee. I shall come back for you, once I’ve got rid of this er…

HE LEAVES. THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED BY THE ORGY GANG

Orgy gang: Hoorah! Let’s kidnap Rigoletto’s lover. It’s a bit weird how she’s so much hotter and younger than him, but let’s not trouble ourselves with that now. There are orgies to plan.

Daughter: Aughhhhhhhhhhhh!!

RIGOLETTO RETURNS HOME TO FIND HIS DAUGHTER GONE AND IMMEDIATELY GOES TO THE COURT TO KICK OFF.

Rigoletto: Right, mofos. I know you have her, Rigoletto’s one and only love…yes, my daughter! Give her to me!

THE COURT PROTEST BUT THEN GIVE UP AND GIVE BACK DAUGHTER

Rigoletto: Daughter! Light of Rigoletto’s life, star of Rigoletto’s loins…let me hold thee…closer…

Daughter: We must escape to Verona. Romeo and Juliet had a great time there…

Rigoletto: Rigoletto will kill the Duke, for this overnight annoyance! Aha, let me hire this passing assassin.

Assassin: I shall use my hot daughter to draw in the Duke, then kill him. Isn’t it weird  how we all have hot daughters?

Rigoletto: So hot…mmmmm Rigoletto….

DAUGHTER IS HIDING IN THE ASSASSIN’S HOUSE FOR SOME REASON WHEN SHE SPIES THE DUKE WELL COMING ONTO HIS HOT DAUGHTER:

Duke: I love thee, hot daughter! Marry me! You are the only one!

Hot Assassin Daughter: Hmmm. Well, I do love thee, Duke, with that thing there…sigh…father, we must kill someone else, not this hot Duke!

Assassin: I gotta kill someone, I don’t care who. Duke, you can sleep in the stable and I’m gonna fuck up whoever knocks on my door next. That will solve all!

Daughter: My heart is broken! I know, I shall knock on the door dressed as a man. I will die, because I can’t have this Duke, even though he is clearly a total douchelord. Now that’s good math.

THE NEXT DAY, RIGOLETTO COMES AND IS GIVEN A BODY IN A SACK. CURIOUS, HE OPENS IT, KEEN TO SEE THE DEAD DUKE WHO TRIED TO DO HIS DAUGHTER

Poor Rigoletto!

Rigoletto: NOOOOOO! Daughter! The curse has backfired upon Rigoletto. This is tragic.

Daughter: (dying)…daddy…issues…

AND SCENE.

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Filed under opera review, rigoletto, theatre

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